All posts by wanderingwithme

Am I a poly fraud?

Lately I have been feeling like a poly fraud, or maybe a poly failure. I love polyamory, I love all that it has brought to who I am as a person, and I believe in the concept wholeheartedly. My partner and I talk about polyamory almost ever day, and I am open with my friends and family about that part of my life and beliefs. I have a tattoo on my wrist that proclaims to all that I am polyamorous. So then, if being poly and talking about poly is an every part of my life why do I feel like a failure? What makes me think I could be a fraud?

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Poly & Self Esteem

I am not going to follow the cliché and say that you cannot love someone until you can love yourself. I do not agree or believe in that, and I think that It runs the risk of making people who have depression or self-esteem issues feel unworthy of love. We live in a world where we are constantly told to strive for more, to buy more items, lose weight, or look a certain way. The most helpful thing I have found is to remind myself that the feeling of inadequacy is being put onto me, it is a marketing tool and it is not inherent within me. I know firsthand that is so very hard to be comfortable in who you are and put yourself out there. Yet, polyamory is essentially dating and putting yourself out there forever.  

It helps to put myself out there knowing that I do not have to be perfect in every way, that what I have to offer can enhance someone’s life and I do not have to worry about someone else being better. If my partner were to meet someone who was conventionally more attractive, intelligent or wealthy they could have us both.  

It is a myth we are all taught that one person will be perfect and meet all of your needs forever. People have a variety of different wants and needs that may change over a lifetime and may even conflict with one another. How do I reconcile in one person the fact that I need both stability and unpredictability? The answer is you can’t. In a monogamous model that conflict is where you have to start compromising things that you may want, or move on to a new relationship. In polyamory you can have all of the things that you want, just maybe not in the same partner. You do not have to compromise or feel guilty for things that you want or need. Even better though, is you do not have to provide absolutely everything for your partner. No one is perfect, and it takes a lot of pressure off if you know up front that you do not need to fulfill every need, you can still bring something special to the table. You can take comfort knowing that if there is a need of your partner that you can not fill, they do not have to compromise or go without just because they love you, they can still get that need filled and they can go on loving you.  

Somehow we have glorified sacrifice and compromise especially in relationships. I think that this is a unsustainable way of living. Most people can only go so long with suppressing something that they want before they start building up resentment or they go out and get that need met by whatever means they can. The small group of people that can go a lifetime with a set of wants or need going un met are giving up a part of who they are, and I do not think that is anything but sad. All of my feelings are valid, and I should not have to go without, feel guilty, or make my partner feel guilty for feelings that I do not even have control over. How many of your needs did you actively choose? So why should you have conflicted feelings about inherent parts of who you are? Then, even more is it fair to make your partner feel inadequate for who they are in being unable to be one hundred percent perfect all the time. I would answer that my choice is to try to make sure everyone involved is responsible for their own needs getting met. 

It is not true that only someone with low self-esteem would let a partner “sleep around” or look at other people, but it is a comment that I have heard before. In my opinion, it takes high self-esteem to be confident that your partner is experiencing all that they can and that you are still worth them coming back to. Polyamory is not an easy path, and knowing that you deserve everything you want in life, not compromising and then putting yourself out there to go after your own happiness takes quite a lot of courage and belief in yourself. So don’t let the doubters tell you otherwise.  

Splatter Date!

Finally getting settled into living in a bigger city, and we are starting to branch out and find unique things to do. Just recently I found a really unique DIY shop where you can go and they will provide guidance and the materials to make just about any type of craft. This time was a fun date night, so rather than sit and make separate things we opted for the Jackson Pollock splatter date. What a good choice for a fun and light hearted date. 

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What is polyamory?

The simplest definition of polyamory is ethical non-monogamy. Emphasis on the ethical part. Polyamory means everyone involved is aware of the relationship dynamic and has given free consent to participating. What that means to you can vary widely though, everyone can poly in the way that is the best fit for them. However there are some general structures that seem to show up repeatedly with some variation.

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Can you have casual polyamory?

As a basic concept polyamory is the practice of having multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships at the same time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Literally the word means “many loves”. Although, within the polyamory community, and to each individual  it may mean many different things. There is a bit of contention about what constitutes being polyamorous. 

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Our first time visiting Epcot

For both Max and me this was our first time visiting Epcot. I had heard a little bit about what to expect but actually going and walking around was so much better that I had imagined. We arrived at the park around 11am and left when they were closing at 9pm and still did not get to see the entire place. We had to rush a few of the places, and skip some of the shows just to be able to get in all that we did. So I suggest at least 2 days to take in all that the park has to offer. 

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Visiting the Wizarding World

We have wanted to go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter for a long time, and so when we got the chance to spend time in Florida it was the first thing on our list of things to see. You need a park hopper pass if you want to see the whole thing – there are parts built in both Universal and Islands of Adventure. We started in the Universal side which has a small bit of London and then leads into Diagon Alley. As soon as you walk into Diagon Alley you are greeted by a large dragon on top of Gringotts bank. 

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WonderWorks and Ripleys in Orlando

We had spent out first day on vacation at the beach, so for day two it was time for something different. We decided to spend the day on International drive exploring both WonderWorks and Ripleys in Orlando. They are only a few blocks apart (maybe not even that far) so we were able to easily spend time at both in one day – plus the walk between them was really pretty. We went to WonderWorks first. It is easy to spot since the building is upside down. 

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