Lately I have been feeling like a poly fraud, or maybe a poly failure. I love polyamory, I love all that it has brought to who I am as a person, and I believe in the concept wholeheartedly. My partner and I talk about polyamory almost ever day, and I am open with my friends and family about that part of my life and beliefs. I have a tattoo on my wrist that proclaims to all that I am polyamorous. So then, if being poly and talking about poly is an every part of my life why do I feel like a failure? What makes me think I could be a fraud?
It all started a few weeks ago when I was helping a friend with some poly questions. Then, my friend got a second partner and was still coming to me for some advice when they need it. Now, I have not had a problem with answering any of these questions, in fact it is what inspired me to get back onto writing. I have loved these discussions that we have been having. The problem is that I feel like I am only currently poly in theory.
My partner and I have recently (a few months ago) moved to a new town and started new jobs. We are still trying to establish new friends in the area and get settled in. So right now, we are only dating each other. We do not have any additional partners and are not very actively looking. Just to be clear, we are not taking a break on purpose, there was no agreement, it just happened to work out this way.
So right now I have been feeling like all of my poly friends that come to me for advice are actually DOING poly while I am just TALKING about poly.
This realization kind of bummed me out for awhile, and I kept saying that I felt like a fraud, giving out advice or being passionate about something that I am not currently actively involved in. So it got me thinking…. can you be a poly failure?
The answer that I finally have come to is no. If you identify as polyamorous, and you are open to the idea and the relationships that may come with it then you ARE poly. You can have multiple partners, one partner or no partners and still be poly. It would be like telling someone who is single that they no longer practice monogamy because they currently have 0 partners.
I may meet someone that I want to date tomorrow or a year from now, but if I stay open to that relationship and I am willing to pursue that when I find it, then that makes me polyamorous. Sometimes I may be too busy to focus on anything but what I already have, and that is ok. There will even be times where I do not meet anyone that I strike a romantic interest with, that does not mean that I am a failure. There will also be times where I am overflowing with love and new partners and that does not make me more poly than anyone else who moves at a different pace.
There is no score, and there is never a right way to be polyamorous. You always have the freedom to do what feels right to you at the moment. Life changes, it speeds up and slows down and that is more than ok.